COUNSELOR is in 10 keys
COUNSELOR is in 10 keys to healing overindulgence Iklas J. Bashi, LPC, NCC “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things … then the God of peace will be with you.” Philippians 4:8 Overindulgence is about giving children too much of what they want and not enough of what they need. The focus is often on materialism, performance and immediate gratification and the fruits are often anguish and a sense of emptiness. The following insights are meant to be a starting point for parents. If any of them resonate with your experience, spend some time reflecting on them and how you may integrate them more fully into your family life. 1. Whole Parent, Whole Child As parents, it is critical for us to be emotionally and mentally healthy. What does this mean? It means looking at our own issues and limitations and working through them. For example, if you have unresolved anger issues, these will be projected onto your children. Do you have unresolved shame and guilt from your own childhood? Perhaps you fill those spaces up by overindulging your children. If there are places in your life that are broken, consider therapy, marriage counseling, talking with a priest, attending a retreat, working out, going to confession, quitting smoking/drinking, etc. Begin to look at those aspects of your life that need healing. The healthier we are, the better equipped we will be to raise well-rounded, healthy children. 2. Examine Family Values Create a family meeting where you and your children write down your values and beliefs. Children, regardless of their age, should be given an opportunity to voice what they value as well. This has been referred to as a Family Constitution. It will become the guide for living for each family member. Iklas J. Bashi, LPC, NCC special to the chaldean news The goal is to strive in our daily life toward living according to our values and beliefs. All family members can sign their name at the end of the Family Constitution pledging to model what the family holds to be valuable. These may include kindness, faith, honesty, generosity and peace. When we seek to live our values, we often decrease the likelihood to overindulge ourselves and our children. 3. Accept Joy and Sorrow Life is difficult. We must be diligent about helping our children accept that joy and sorrow or suffering are real and a natural part of life. We cannot shield our children from the pain of life. This goes against the very fiber of our faith. Without pain, our children cannot grow strong. They will experience life from the lens of your protection and safety net and will be ill equipped for school, work, relationships and the sorrow that is inherent in life. If you are a parent who tends to rescue or prevent your children from experiencing any suffering, you prevent the opportunity for them to become self-reliant. 4. Be Honest There is a tendency in our culture to conceal, minimize and/or sugarcoat the truth to protect our children and other family members from pain. Keeping things in the dark increases their power and control over us. On the contrary, bringing things into the light allows God to work his graces into the situation to bring about restoration, healing and His will. Children learn that they can count on their parents when they are honest. Parents are free to be realistic in terms of what they can and cannot do for their children. 5. Recognize Strengths and Limitations Exaggerating your children’s strengths and ignoring their limitations cripples them. Many parents glorify and pamper their children, who will be ill equipped to handle constructive criticism from others in the future. They can become easily angered and ignore those important people in their life who may be pointing out their shortcomings in order to help them grow. This kind of honesty will help children realize they do not need to be the constant center of attention. It also helps them cultivate a sense of personal identity. 6. Encourage Self-Care Skills Overindulged children often lack self-care skills and have difficulty relating to others. They become accustomed to Mom or Dad doing things for them that they are capable of doing themselves. The unintended message we give our children is that he or she doesn’t have what it takes to do it alone. This area often reveals a parent’s need for control or obsessive-compulsive tendencies that need to be examined. Overindulged children often lack self-care skills and have difficulty relating to others. 7. Teach Patience and Longing Children who are accustomed to getting what they want, when they want it, are not given the chance to appreciate what they do have. Granting their every wish and desire does not teach them gratitude or how to be content. Gratitude manifests itself through waiting, longing and anticipating. Create opportunities for them to practice gratitude and delay gratification. 8. Take Personal Responsibility Whether it is doing chores, taking care of their belongings or making sure they do not lose their things, children need to learn the value of taking personal responsibility. With their hectic schedules filled with sports and other activities, it is becoming increasingly more challenging for parents to enforce chores on children. But this is a necessary key to their healthy development. Doing chores is an opportunity for them to grow. By insisting they do chores, we give them the message that they are needed by their family. 9. Understand Impact Children need to know they have been given the gift of free will and they need to be made aware that their behaviors, whether good or bad, impact others around them. Often children do not realize the impact of bad choices. Instead of shaming and blaming them, our goal is to increase their awareness, to see the big picture. This will increase their empathy and concern for others. 10. Be an Authority, Not a Friend Because many parents feel they weren’t given a chance to voice their opinions or feelings during their own childhood, they overindulge children by overvaluing their need for self-expression. Children turn into young negotiators and parents fall into the trap of allowing a constant tug-of-war dialogue to rule the home. Parents need take back their role as authority figures. Children need to express themselves but not to point where they argue until they get their way. This is manipulation, not self-expression. Whether in therapy sessions, workshops, or parenting groups, a common phrase I have heard from parents in our community is that they lack the wahess or motivation to parent. We cannot neglect giving our children the guidance, instruction and formation they need to grow into responsible members of society equipped with an awareness of who they are and why God created them. It is our obligation as parents to make our home the first school for our children. Iklas J. Bashi, LPC, NCC, is a writer, life coach and speaker. She offers group workshops, seminars and presentations on a wide variety of topics that combine her training and experience in psychology as well as Catholic spirituality. Email questions and comments to ahigherwayllc@gmail. com. Visit ChaldeanNews.com to read part one of this series, “The Damaging Effects of Overindulgence,” which appeared in our October issue. 50 CHALDEAN NEWS NOVEMBER 2011
Iklas’ Booklist for Parents “Children do not come with an instruction manual.” As parents, we cannot give our children what we do not possess. I encourage all parents, fathers and mothers, to read more to gain the knowledge and skills necessary to parent to the very best of their ability. Gone are the days when parenting was a mother’s job only. Now more than ever, children need their fathers because there are life lessons that only a father can teach his children. Children need the time and presence of both parents to thrive. The extensive offerings on the subject of overindulgence are indicative of the struggles we face as parents. I have added titles that may not necessarily cover the topic of overindulgence but are worth reading. Consider renting any of these titles at your local library or purchasing them for your home library. And don’t forget: pray, pray, pray, for your children and all children of this generation. After all, prayer changes things! YOUCAT: Youth Catechism of the Catholic Church Guiltless Catholic Parenting from A to Y, by Bert Ghezzi Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know, by Meg Meeker SAAB OF TROY SAAB OF LAKESIDE YEAR-END SALES EVENT GOING ON NOW SAVE UP TO ,000.00 2011 9-5 Turbo 4 Sedan 2011 9-3 Sports Sedan 2.0T Educating Today’s Overindulged Youth: Combat Narcissism by Building Foundations, Not Pedestals, by Chad Mason and Karen Brackman Theology of the Body for Teens, by Brian Butler, Jason and Crystalina Evert Bringing Up Boys, by James C. Dobson The Price of Privilege: How Parents Pressure and Material Advantage are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids, by Madeline Levine Discipline That Lasts a Lifetime: The Best Gift You Can Give Your Kids, by Ray Guarendi Boundaries with Kids: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Children, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend A Father, A Hero, by James C. Dobson How Much Is Enough?: Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible and Respectful Children, by Jean Illsley Clarke, Connie Dawson and David Bredehoft Crossing the Goal: Playbook on the Virtues, by Danny Abramowicz, Peter Herbeck, Curtis Martin and Brian Patrick The Heart of Motherhood: Finding Holiness in the Catholic Home, by Donna-Marie Cooper O’Boyle Too Much of a Good Thing: Raising Children of Character in an Indulgent Age, by Dan Kindlon Boundaries with Teens: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, by John Townsend Noise: How Our Media-saturated Culture Dominates Lives and Dismantles Families, by Teresa Tomeo Extreme Makeover: Women Transformed by Christ, Not Conformed to the Culture, by Teresa Tomeo Fasting: Spiritual Freedom Beyond Our Appetites, by Lynne M. Baab Nobody Told Me: What You Need to Know About the Physical and Emotional Consequences of Sex Outside of Marriage, by Pam Stenzel and Melissa Nesdahl The Theology of the Body: Human Love in the Divine Plan, by Pope John Paul II SAVE UP TO ,000.00 of TROY 1819 Maplelawn (In The Troy Motor Mall) Bet. Crooks & Coolidge 248.205.1333 | SaabofTroy.com tmalouf@saaboftroy.com of LAKESIDE 19077 Hall Road (M-59 & Romeo Plank Rd.) 586.203.2620 | SaabofLakeside.com 3 YEAR / 36,000 MILE. FREE MAINTENANCE 4 YEAR / 50,000 MILE BUMPER-TO-BUMPER WARRANTY MON & THUR 9AM-9PM • TUE, WED & FRI 9AM-6PM Savings off MSRP. Must qualify for Saab loyalty. All rebates to dealer. All pricing subject to change without notice. Tax-Plate-Title-Doc fee are extra. Excludes prior sales. Some restrictions may apply. Expires 10-31-11 FOR the latest community updates visit www.chadleannews.com VOTED THE BEST OF THE BEST 2010 & 2011 DINE IN • CARRY-OUT • CATERING Customer Appreciation Daily Lunch Special Choose Two Starting at Soup, Salad or Sandwich .99 PARTY TRAYS AVAILABLE ALL SPECIAL OCCASIONS 10%off ENTIRE BILL Excludes alcohol, Lamb Chops, tax and gratuity. Dine-in or carry out. Must have coupon. Cannot be combined with another offer. Expires 11/30/11 4189 ORCHARD LAKE ROAD • ORCHARD LAKE TWP., MICHIGAN 248.865.0000 1413 ROCHESTER ROAD • ROCHESTER HILLS, MICHIGAN 248.609.2121 NOVEMBER 2011 CHALDEAN NEWS 51
