COUNSELOR is in
COUNSELOR is in Remembering our pilgrim journey home at Christmas “Being pilgrims, as we are on earth, and having our lasting city in the heavenly kingdom, we should not look upon it as a great loss when those we love in our Lord depart a little before us, for we too shall soon be following them to the place where Christ our Lord and redeemer has prepared for us a most happy dwelling filled with His blessedness.” – Ignatius Loyola Iklas J. Bashi, LPC, NCC special to the chaldean news The holidays are meant to be a time of joy, celebration and thanksgiving with family and friends. However, for many people, this time is marked with grief and loss – not only for those who have recently lost a loved one but for those who still grieve a loss from the past. It may have been the first Thanksgiving without that person and it will be the first Christmas without them. And there have been tears and great sadness and longing for their presence even if only for one more day. After a loss, the past we had known is no more and the future is unfamiliar. Our lives and the world have forever changed. We may carry anger feelings toward God for taking our loved one away. This is especially true when the death is sudden and unexpected. We may ask, “How can a loving God take a child from his mother? What kind of God is that? I don’t want anything to do with such a God. How can I go on living without this person in my life anymore?” With anger, we may have feelings of alienation, isolation, unforgiveness and denial. The acceptance of these feelings is very important in the grieving process. Resisting them will only prolong the natural process of healing. It is not uncommon for some to hold onto their grief for years, even decades. Feelings buried alive never die. They often become toxins in the body, manifesting themselves into physical symptoms and illnesses. As Chaldeans, we must increase our awareness of some of the unhealthy ways we grieve. Oftentimes, we feel guilty at the thought of moving on with our lives, as if the deceased would want this from us. And sometimes the amount of grief we choose to show is measured by the degree of certain people’s expectations of our grieving process. However, grief is very personal and no two people will experience a loss in the same way. Therefore we must be honest and authentic in the process. The habit of wearing the color black for 40 days may be fine with some but not enough for others. Grief is an interior process, not exterior. For some, 40 days may be enough to work through their feelings and move on, depending on the relationship. For others, the heart still feels broken and empty and they will not be in the mood to attend a wedding or other happy occasion. We cannot compartmentalize our grief nor the grief of another. Let us make our hearts the real measure of our process and not what anyone else may be expecting of us. And most of all, let us not judge another’s grieving process as we will never be in their head or heart to truly know their experience. In the above quote, Ignatius Loyola, founder of the Jesuits, possesses knowledge about God that we sometimes forget. We have a tendency to put our human limitations on God. It is difficult for us to imagine a God who is deeper, wider, and bigger than our imagination. It would do us well to remember that the Spirit of God is eternally and infinitely moving and is accessible to us whenever we decide to move out of the place of darkness and into the unchartered waters of the unknown. It is in this very uncertainty that God works in us, reshaping our thoughts, offering a new perspective, healing the anger, and filling the empty spaces. Yesterday I heard a quote, “We possess nothing that we will keep.” We have a physical body and it will die. We have everything we possess in materialism. We have our relationships with family, friends, coworkers and others. None of these are permanent. Everything – all we have, all we possess – is a gift. To become more fully alive, we must learn to let go of all our attachments and cling to Jesus who made the following promise to us in John 14:1-3: “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You have faith in God; have faith in me. In my Father’s house there are many dwelling places. If there were not, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place It would do us well to remember that the Spirit of God is eternally and infinitely moving and is accessible to us whenever we decide to move out of the place of darkness. for you, I will come back again and take you to myself, so that where I am you also may be.” May this real promise from Christ give us peace of heart, mind and soul as we remember all our loved ones this holiday season. Iklas J. Bashi, LPC, NCC, is a writer, life coach and speaker. 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DECEMBER 2011 CHALDEAN NEWS 27
