in my VIEW Marriage
in my VIEW Marriage requires deliberate effort Time Magazine recently ran a cover story entitled “How to Stay Married (and Why).” It raised several interesting points, some not seemingly apparent. For example, divorce rates are actually down since the 1980s but so are marriage rates. The one sub category where rates of divorce have increased is with older people — the theory being that unhappy couples MICHAEL G. SARAFA CO-PUBLISHER CHALDEAN NEWS wait until the kids are grown to split up. But a substantial body of research has identified some definitive trends that are worth some attention. These facts are based on averages, which mean there are exceptions on both ends. Getting Married People over 26 years old, with college degrees and good jobs, who haven’t been married before or pregnant are more likely to stay married. People with similar values and religious norms also have a better chance of a successful marriage. And young people with right-sized and similar expectations also enjoy happier marriages. In the Chaldean community, there is still a high rate of inter-community marriage. There is also a much lower (though increasing) rate of divorce. This is consistent with the notion that like-minded individuals with similar backgrounds, cultures and religion would have a higher rate of happier marriages. On the flip side, some Chaldeans are getting married at a very young age, before or instead of finishing college, still financially dependent on their parents and with outsized expectations about their immediate lifestyles. These factors sometimes put a lot of pressure on young people who are still getting to know each other. We all know about new marriages that unfortunately lasted just a short time. There are plenty of examples of happy couples when Chaldeans marry outside the community. But the trends cited above would still apply — the more commonalities in belief systems, values, religion, etc., the happier and longer the marriage. The Time article cites the raising of children as more of a stress on marriage than ever. This could be because there are more households where both parents work but also because (especially in higherincome, college-educated homes) child rearing is tougher than ever. This applies to many Chaldean families, I would think. The article quotes a University of California demographer: “Children are not merely, fed, educated and sheltered [as before]; they are curated using concerted cultivation.” This is not a bad thing necessarily. It’s just more intense, requires more work and creates another venue for spousal disagreement and stress. At its heart, marriage is a social institution. Previous generations of couples were as much about companionship and partnership as anything. Today, however, we have a vast array of ways to connect to people, mostly online. Besides the matchmaking sites, people can now reconnect or stay connected to old high school and college friends, continue dialoging with work colleagues outside of the office and stay glued to their iPad and other devices for myriad reasons in a way that dramatically changed the culture of communication, intimacy and the general atmosphere in many homes. Staying Married The author of a Cornell University study of 700 elderly people reached this conclusion about lasting marriages: “Couples that have made it all the way to later in life have found it to be a peak experience, a sublime experience to be together.” He also noted that 100 percent of those surveyed said it was either “hard work” or “really hard work.” So here are some rather obvious but little discussed tips from the experts interviewed for the Time story. First and foremost, avoid contempt for each other and resentment, “contempt’s chief co-conspirator.” I thought the article summed this up brilliantly: “Contempt, say therapists, sets off a lethal chain reaction. It kills vulnerability … Vulnerability is a prerequisite for intimacy. Without intimacy, commitment is a grind. And without commitment, the whole enterprise goes pearshaped.” Secondly, figure out what specifically makes your partner feel loved, usually words, time spent together, nice deeds, sex or gifts. Third, find shared interests. These are not difficult concepts but they are difficult things to execute. They take hard work and discipline. As noted in the article, “discipline is not reaching one happy endpoint” but more of a process, a life’s endeavor. As the old adage goes, nothing worth having comes easy. Gaven LaKritz Travel Specialist Offi ce: (248) 406-4777 Mobile: (248) 535-4884 5600 W. Maple Road. Suite C-305 West Bloomfield, MI 48322 gaven.lakritz@cruiseplanners.com CRUISE PLANNERS TRAVEL Let us help you plan and book your next dream vacation! • Incredible Cruises • Complete Vacation Packages • All Inclusive Resorts • Worldwide Land and Tour Vacations • Shore Excursions Don’t Miss The Boat! Call Gaven Today! 1973320 8 CHALDEAN NEWS AUGUST 2016
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